As a father and single parent, I have never had a connection with Father’s Day and really never understood why until this past year. Father’s Day, like many other things in our society, has become commercialized and most families have lost the true essence of that day. I came to a realization early on that being a father is a gift, one that should be enjoyed every day and in all ways.
A day as a father means playing many roles:
- an educator
- a mentor
- a therapist
- a disciplinarian
- a tutor
- a mediator
- a friend
- a confidant
- a doctor
- a coach
- a motivational speaker
- a spectator
- a spiritual leader
- a good listener
- and always provide hope when all else seems to have been lost
There are times when my children express anger and hatred for certain decisions I make, but later they confess that they love me for doing the right thing. They have even expressed their gratitude towards me for being there for them in their time of need and for not being there for the times they needed their space. The list goes on and on, but each role brought me a strong sense of satisfaction, as a father and friend.
There are many hats we wear as parents, some more difficult than others. The gratification of our efforts come in the form of the results of our actions with our children. A good teacher always learns from his students and none could be greater than those lessons taught by our children and so, I share with you the events that unfolded this past Father’s Day.
It was early Sunday morning and I was awoken by my sons, who showered me with hugs and kisses. They proceeded to nudge me over to the center of the bed and positioned themselves on my left and right sides, as they usually do on the weekends. They were both in their usual cheerful moods, energized spirits and ready-to-go attitudes as they smiled and simultaneously called out, ”good morning dad”. I replied “good morning gentlemen…” and then asked if they knew what day it was? “It’s Sunday!” my older son stated with a grin, “why do you ask dad?” It appeared to me that my boys had forgotten that it was Father’s Day and before I could say another word, they both said, “Every day is Father’s Day, that is what you always tell us, so why should this day be any different.”
They jumped out of bed, ran out of the room, only to return moments later with cards they had made for Father’s day. They had crafted their own Father’s Day cards of which they were so proud to read and present to me as a life long memory and keep sake. They insisted I remain in bed while they prepared a special Father’s Day breakfast for me. It was toast with cream cheese, a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of tea (a five star dish in my book). They set up a beautiful place setting on the dining room table and called for my presence. We sat together and enjoyed a wonderful meal together. You see, what they did that morning, was no different to what they do on a regular basis. What I found most pleasing was the fact that they chose to give me what no television commercial could ever sell… They chose to give of themselves. That is the true essence of Father’s Day, an unselfish and personal demonstration of appreciation from our children.
It was right there and then that I realized that my children understood the true meaning of Father’s Day and at the same time, I understood my disconnect with the commercialized version of Father’s Day. The day continued in the same spirit as it began and ended on a high note of bliss.
The pleasures of fatherhood are distinctly unique, while every moment may not always be as sweet, the blossoming of our children into independent beings is a testament to our tireless efforts.
It is truly a blessed gift to be able to experience all that life has to offer with my children, and so I have learned that every day is Father’s Day.
A friend and colleague of mine had recently shared with me one of his many fond memories with his grandchildren. As he began to describe a particular day at the park with his grandson, he proudly pointed to a 5×7 photo that was prominently displayed in his office. His demeanor completely shifted to a blissful state as he began to reminisce over the events of that day. As a father, I was able to relate to his feelings and sentiments towards his grandson only as a father would towards his own son in a similar situation, but the truth is, I could only imagine what he might have been feeling towards his grandson.
At that moment, I recalled an incident that transpired many years’ back, during my early teen years over a conversation with my father regarding fatherhood and the love a parent has for their children. While, I do not recall the entire conversation, I do vividly remember his reaction when I had stated to him, “I love you the same way you love me”. He quickly explained that a parent’s affection for their children is unique and could only be understood when I would one day have a family of my own.
Well, suffice to say a few months after my first child was born, I finally realized what my father had meant years before. The subsequent bond that had developed between my son and I gave birth to a slew of feelings that had never existed before his arrival. A time shortly thereafter, I confronted my father and reminded him of our discussion regarding a father’s feelings for his children. Surprisingly, a funny thing happened next, as he held my son (his grandson) in his arms, he leaned over and kissed him, then looked me straight in the eyes and said with a smile, “there is still one more pleasure in life which you have not yet experienced. One greater than my love for you, one greater than your love for your children… It’s our grandchildren”.
He went on to explain that “we as human beings are separated from everything else in the food chain of life by virtue of our higher intellect, but more importantly, we are also the only species on this planet that forge a unique bond with our grandchildren”.
The picture that my colleague shared with me had ignited distant memories that produced an amplified realization of the greater things hopefully still to come in my life. As I stood there watching and listening to my friend tell his story, I could not help but notice the myriad of expressions on his face that revealed a strong sense of admiration and pride for his grandson, one far greater than a father’s toward his son.
For now, I can only share my experiences with those around me through the eyes of a father who clearly understands the value of waiting patiently for the day his grandchildren finally arrive.
It is on that day, I am certain that my father’s words will be remembered anew.
As a father and single parent, there are plenty of challenges that one faces raising children, especially in the area of discipline. On one hand, I would love to be my children’s best friend, but I discovered early on that as my children matured with age, trying to be a friend before being a father, distorts a child’s view of his or her parent as an authoritative figure, which eventually leads to loss of respect and a breakdown of the family hierarchy.
Parenting style is key to the proper development of a child and the understanding of these styles helps a parent establish the necessary foundation to ensure proper and healthy development of their child. There are various parenting styles that are widely discussed in the world of parenting and the one thing to remember, depending on your circumstances, environment and your child emotional and psychological being, there are no standards or boiler plates that can be used for all situations. For me, it was a process in which I first had to gain insight into the mental and emotional workings of each of my children before tailoring a style that was comfortable and suitable.
Recent research has brought me to Diana Baumrind, who is best known for her development of one of the best known theories of parenting style. She proposed that parents fall into one of three categories: authoritarian (telling their children exactly what to do), indulgent (allowing their children to do whatever they wish), or authoritative (providing rules and guidance without being overbearing). The theory was later extended to include negligent parents (disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests).
Authoritative parenting
The parent is demanding and responsive.
Authoritative parenting, also called balanced parenting, is characterized by a child-centered approach that holds high expectations of maturity, compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing for an open dialogue about those rules and behaviors between the parent and child. “Authoritative parenting encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions.” “Extensive verbal give-and-take is allowed, and parents are warm and nurturant toward the child.” Authoritative parents are not usually as controlling, allowing the child to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions based upon their own reasoning.
Authoritative parents set limits and demand maturity, but when punishing a child, the parent will explain his or her motive for their punishment. “Their punishments are measured and consistent in discipline, not harsh or arbitrary. Parents will set clear standards for their children, monitor limits that they set, and also allow children to develop autonomy. They also expect mature, independent, and age-appropriate behavior of children.” They are attentive to their children’s needs and concerns, and will typically forgive and teach instead of punishing if a child falls short. This is supposed to result in children having a higher self esteem and independence because of the democratic give-take nature of the authoritative parenting style. This is the most recommended style of parenting by child-rearing experts.
Authoritarian parenting
The parent is demanding but not responsive.
Authoritarian parenting, also called strict, is characterized by high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing little open dialogue between parent and child. “Authoritarian parenting is a restrictive, punitive style in which parents exhort the child to follow their directions and to respect their work and effort.”Authoritarian parents expect much of their child but generally do not explain the reasoning for the rules or boundaries. Authoritarian parents are less responsive to their children’s needs, and are more likely to spank a child rather than discuss the problem.
Children with this type of parenting may have less social competence as the parent generally tells the child what to do instead of allowing the child to choose by him or herself. Nonetheless, researchers have found that in some cultures and ethnic groups, aspects of authoritarian style may be associated with more positive child outcomes than Baumrind predicts. “Aspects of traditional Asian child-rearing practices are often continued by Asian American families. In some cases, these practices have been described as authoritarian.”
Indulgent parenting
The parent is responsive but not demanding.
Indulgent parenting, also called permissive, non-directive or lenient, is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for the child. “Indulgent parenting is a style of parenting in which parents are very involved with their children but place few demands or controls on them.”Parents are nurturing and accepting, and are very responsive to the child’s needs and wishes. Indulgent parents do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately.
Children of permissive parents may tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents, may engage more in misconduct and drug use. “Children never learn to control their own behavior and always expect to get their way.”But in the better cases they are emotionally secure, independent and are willing to learn and accept defeat. They are able to live life without the help of someone else.
Neglectful parenting
The parent is neither demanding nor responsive.
Neglectful parenting is also called uninvolved, detached, dismissive or hands-off. The parents are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child’s life, are disengaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits. Parents are emotionally unsupportive of their children, but will still provide their basic needs.
Children whose parents are neglectful develop the sense that other aspects of the parents’ lives are more important than they are. Children often display contradictory behavior, and are emotionally withdrawn from social situations. This disturbed attachment also impacts relationships later on in life. In adolescence, they may show patterns of truancy and delinquency.
I have tried several approaches into parenting and found that an authoritative parenting style as being the ideal style under most, if not all, circumstances, one that has proven to be successful and quite receptive by my children. My children are far more content when they have a clear understanding of the rules. It is my belief that they expect the boundaries that have been established for them and more importantly, they feel a sense of security knowing that they are met with certain levels of resistance when they attempt to challenge those rules or overstep their boundaries.
