The trauma of divorce can leave many long lasting scars on youngsters, especially those suffering from low self esteem as a result of years of verbal and physical abuse. The toughest child to work with was my twelve year old, who at the age of eight years had already isolated himself socially and expressed his anger and discontent by rebelling at home and at school. For the most part, his frustrations grew as he attempted to deal with the many facets of his fears and mixed emotions towards his mother, which eventually manifested into unharnessed anger and uncontrollable profanity. Placing him in therapy began helping him understand the feelings that enraged him, but did not place him at ease or heal him of the scars I feared he would carry for the rest of his life.
His resistance to helping himself required close monitoring and constant nurturing. Every week I would brace myself in anticipation for at least two phone calls from his school reporting yet another crisis involving my son. I believe both the school and I were at our wits end, not knowing what else to do to save this child from the destructive path he was dangerously traveling. Unfortunately, the absence of a healthy and normal relationship with his mother made it an even greater challenge and reduced his odds of healing his emotional scars sooner.
My initial strategy was to closely work with him by monitoring his progress and micro managing his daily activities. This was not enough, I had to devise a way of keeping him out of trouble at school. His inability to contain his anger could be triggered by almost any gesture thrown his way.
He possessed a love for music, so I capitalized on his passion by convincing him to volunteer his time during lunch recess to assisting the music teacher. The time working with the music teacher seemed to have triggered a comfort zone for him, even though he was missing out on social time with his peers, he was staying out of trouble by pursuing his passions for music, which allowed him for the first time, to explore his artistic capabilities. This proved to be a safe place for him and dramatically helped him as it marked the turning point in his climb out of the emotional mess that was sucking him down into the abyss. Both the school and myself experienced several months of stability, but as the summer was progressively nearing, I knew that a new strategy had to quickly be devised, because my close monitoring of his activities will eventually evolve into a crutch that he will have greater difficulty shedding.
Over the summer months, I kept him engaged in activities that would nurture his psychological and emotional growth by signing him up with the Rotary Club Community Band and placing him in a camp that explored his interests in science, music and physical education. My hopes of refortifying his confidence and self esteem seemed to slowly be turning into a reality, but it was still too soon to tell. Summer came and went and the new semester had arrived. Sixth grade marked a mile stone in his life, it meant a new school and a new set of friends. It was a chance for shedding a poor reputation from elementary school, an opportunity to building a brighter future and acquiring new friends. But shortly into the new semester, mounting friction between him and his mother and finally, new allegations of child abuse, transgressed his behavior and once again threatened his psychological and emotional stability. He once again took a social and academic nose dive and was failing across the board. It was at this point, he and his brother were finally placed into my personal care, full time.
A new strategy, one more drastic had to be devised and quickly placed into action. Stronger disciplinary actions, tighter boundaries and tougher punishments for any sort of academic or behavioral deviations were implemented for both my sons. As much as they complained at first, my unwillingness to back down began to pay off as they started to respond positively. In a few years, my older son would be entering the “rebellious teen years” and time was not on my side, so I turned to doctors who prescribed medication to help him focus in the class room, but this was not enough to shift his negative attitude into a more positive outlook towards life. Teachers reported his continued unwillingness to engage himself in classroom activities. Everyone was reaching a critical point whereby losing their interest and did not want to deal with his inabilities to overcome his problems. It was time for me to take the “School of Hard Knocks” approach and put all the cards on the table. No punches were held back as I sat and explained to him how his life was about to change forever.
“Summer School” seemed to be the first blow that opened his eyes as he stood in complete disbelief. This was something he never anticipated as he was accustomed to living without boundaries when living with his mother, who allowed him to be defiant and unruly without any dyer consequences. Now, he was no longer torn apart by living in two households who offered dramatically different parenting styles. We proceeded to speak at great lengths about the damage he was doing to himself and to all those around him, dismissing every excuse along the way that he conjured up about it being everyone else’s fault but his own. Unfortunately, this was still not enough to carry him over the fence and back on track. It was when I had explained to him that he would most likely be left behind another year in the sixth grade, to relive the year he threw away with the same teachers who supposedly hated him and with the new younger incoming body of students. His facial expressions said it all as he finally came to his senses. It was a revelation that transposed him into a completely new person. The idea that his peers would surpass him was completely unacceptable and incomprehensible. It was a call to action.
Now that his interest was ignited, I had to make certain that he stayed on track. I contacted the school’s guidance counselor, who immediately implemented a weekly progress report that all teachers would fill out and send home with him every Friday. It is a report delivered every week to date. It is his job to open the envelope and read his progress report to me after Friday night dinner. You can see the pride in his face as he reads his weekly progress report, proudly stating his teacher’s positive feedback for work well done.
Finally, this was the ideal tool to repairing his self esteem and restoring his confidence before his teachers and his peers. Over the next few months, I witnessed this child transform all of his failing grades into exceptionally good ones. He no longer asked for homework assistance and voluntarily stayed up to late hours of the night doing extra credit work. There are times he’ll venture to after school assistance in certain subjects, an effort he himself sees positive results with higher test grades. Teachers have stopped me in the school hallways asking me “What did you do to this boy? He is an absolute pleasure to have in class!”, and I always responded with a shrug, stating “it wasn’t me, it’s all him!”
My son is finally on his way and this is just the tip of the ice burg. He has tasted from the fountain of success, which created an unquenchable thirst for more. Suffice to say, the school year came to an end, not only did he do well, but he was the recipient of the prestigious Kiwanis Club Awards for Academic Achievement.
As a father, I came to realize that I was not alone in ensuring the success of my children. There are countless unselfish men and women from his school and such clubs as Rotary International and Kiwanis International that have all played an integral part in his inspiration and eventual success. Collectively, they have all taught me that while most children look for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there are the few that will follow their dreams and aspire to shoot for the stars.
For the first time in his life, my son has realized that something greater was waiting out there for him. He was tapping into his potential and began to see what he could achieve all on his own in life…
HIS DREAMS!
