A friend and colleague of mine had recently shared with me one of his many fond memories with his grandchildren. As he began to describe a particular day at the park with his grandson, he proudly pointed to a 5×7 photo that was prominently displayed in his office. His demeanor completely shifted to a blissful state as he began to reminisce over the events of that day. As a father, I was able to relate to his feelings and sentiments towards his grandson only as a father would towards his own son in a similar situation, but the truth is, I could only imagine what he might have been feeling towards his grandson.
At that moment, I recalled an incident that transpired many years’ back, during my early teen years over a conversation with my father regarding fatherhood and the love a parent has for their children. While, I do not recall the entire conversation, I do vividly remember his reaction when I had stated to him, “I love you the same way you love me”. He quickly explained that a parent’s affection for their children is unique and could only be understood when I would one day have a family of my own.
Well, suffice to say a few months after my first child was born, I finally realized what my father had meant years before. The subsequent bond that had developed between my son and I gave birth to a slew of feelings that had never existed before his arrival. A time shortly thereafter, I confronted my father and reminded him of our discussion regarding a father’s feelings for his children. Surprisingly, a funny thing happened next, as he held my son (his grandson) in his arms, he leaned over and kissed him, then looked me straight in the eyes and said with a smile, “there is still one more pleasure in life which you have not yet experienced. One greater than my love for you, one greater than your love for your children… It’s our grandchildren”.
He went on to explain that “we as human beings are separated from everything else in the food chain of life by virtue of our higher intellect, but more importantly, we are also the only species on this planet that forge a unique bond with our grandchildren”.
The picture that my colleague shared with me had ignited distant memories that produced an amplified realization of the greater things hopefully still to come in my life. As I stood there watching and listening to my friend tell his story, I could not help but notice the myriad of expressions on his face that revealed a strong sense of admiration and pride for his grandson, one far greater than a father’s toward his son.
For now, I can only share my experiences with those around me through the eyes of a father who clearly understands the value of waiting patiently for the day his grandchildren finally arrive.
It is on that day, I am certain that my father’s words will be remembered anew.
As a father and single parent, there are plenty of challenges that one faces raising children, especially in the area of discipline. On one hand, I would love to be my children’s best friend, but I discovered early on that as my children matured with age, trying to be a friend before being a father, distorts a child’s view of his or her parent as an authoritative figure, which eventually leads to loss of respect and a breakdown of the family hierarchy.
Parenting style is key to the proper development of a child and the understanding of these styles helps a parent establish the necessary foundation to ensure proper and healthy development of their child. There are various parenting styles that are widely discussed in the world of parenting and the one thing to remember, depending on your circumstances, environment and your child emotional and psychological being, there are no standards or boiler plates that can be used for all situations. For me, it was a process in which I first had to gain insight into the mental and emotional workings of each of my children before tailoring a style that was comfortable and suitable.
Recent research has brought me to Diana Baumrind, who is best known for her development of one of the best known theories of parenting style. She proposed that parents fall into one of three categories: authoritarian (telling their children exactly what to do), indulgent (allowing their children to do whatever they wish), or authoritative (providing rules and guidance without being overbearing). The theory was later extended to include negligent parents (disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests).
Authoritative parenting
The parent is demanding and responsive.
Authoritative parenting, also called balanced parenting, is characterized by a child-centered approach that holds high expectations of maturity, compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing for an open dialogue about those rules and behaviors between the parent and child. “Authoritative parenting encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions.” “Extensive verbal give-and-take is allowed, and parents are warm and nurturant toward the child.” Authoritative parents are not usually as controlling, allowing the child to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions based upon their own reasoning.
Authoritative parents set limits and demand maturity, but when punishing a child, the parent will explain his or her motive for their punishment. “Their punishments are measured and consistent in discipline, not harsh or arbitrary. Parents will set clear standards for their children, monitor limits that they set, and also allow children to develop autonomy. They also expect mature, independent, and age-appropriate behavior of children.” They are attentive to their children’s needs and concerns, and will typically forgive and teach instead of punishing if a child falls short. This is supposed to result in children having a higher self esteem and independence because of the democratic give-take nature of the authoritative parenting style. This is the most recommended style of parenting by child-rearing experts.
Authoritarian parenting
The parent is demanding but not responsive.
Authoritarian parenting, also called strict, is characterized by high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing little open dialogue between parent and child. “Authoritarian parenting is a restrictive, punitive style in which parents exhort the child to follow their directions and to respect their work and effort.”Authoritarian parents expect much of their child but generally do not explain the reasoning for the rules or boundaries. Authoritarian parents are less responsive to their children’s needs, and are more likely to spank a child rather than discuss the problem.
Children with this type of parenting may have less social competence as the parent generally tells the child what to do instead of allowing the child to choose by him or herself. Nonetheless, researchers have found that in some cultures and ethnic groups, aspects of authoritarian style may be associated with more positive child outcomes than Baumrind predicts. “Aspects of traditional Asian child-rearing practices are often continued by Asian American families. In some cases, these practices have been described as authoritarian.”
Indulgent parenting
The parent is responsive but not demanding.
Indulgent parenting, also called permissive, non-directive or lenient, is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for the child. “Indulgent parenting is a style of parenting in which parents are very involved with their children but place few demands or controls on them.”Parents are nurturing and accepting, and are very responsive to the child’s needs and wishes. Indulgent parents do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately.
Children of permissive parents may tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents, may engage more in misconduct and drug use. “Children never learn to control their own behavior and always expect to get their way.”But in the better cases they are emotionally secure, independent and are willing to learn and accept defeat. They are able to live life without the help of someone else.
Neglectful parenting
The parent is neither demanding nor responsive.
Neglectful parenting is also called uninvolved, detached, dismissive or hands-off. The parents are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child’s life, are disengaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits. Parents are emotionally unsupportive of their children, but will still provide their basic needs.
Children whose parents are neglectful develop the sense that other aspects of the parents’ lives are more important than they are. Children often display contradictory behavior, and are emotionally withdrawn from social situations. This disturbed attachment also impacts relationships later on in life. In adolescence, they may show patterns of truancy and delinquency.
I have tried several approaches into parenting and found that an authoritative parenting style as being the ideal style under most, if not all, circumstances, one that has proven to be successful and quite receptive by my children. My children are far more content when they have a clear understanding of the rules. It is my belief that they expect the boundaries that have been established for them and more importantly, they feel a sense of security knowing that they are met with certain levels of resistance when they attempt to challenge those rules or overstep their boundaries.
One of the ways that we grow as a family and as individuals is through meaningful discussion and debate. In our home, we routinely engage in discussions encompassing every subject under the sun, but what makes it more interesting is when a passionate subject or intriguing question rapidly evolves into the focal point of a heated debate. This is where, we as parents have an ideal opportunity to help our children improve their most needed skills for effective communications by encouraging discussion without insult or personal attacks. It is a means to helping them understand that we can respect one another even though we may dramatically differ in opinion or belief. The key is to encourage our children to respectfully engage in open discussions while understanding that it is acceptable to disagree, whereby discussion and debate are a means to conveying ones point of view in an effort to convincing the other of the same or perhaps an attempt to seeking clarification over a misunderstanding. In any event, it is equally important to understand that we may not always agree on everything that we talk about during our “Round Table Discussions”, teaching them the ultimate lesson, we can agree to disagree.
Some of the questions that normally start our “Round Table Discussions” are:
Bible Study:
- What do you think was the meaning or message of this week’s Bible study?
- What would you have done in their place?
Global & Local Events:
- How do you think this event will effect you?
- Do you agree or disagree?
- Would you have made the same choice and take the same actions?
Relationships:
- Were your actions moral, ethical or appropriate?
- How do you think your statements or actions effect the person you are speaking with?
- Did you give yourself enough time to think about it before you responded in such a manor?
- How would you feel if you were on the receiving end of such statements or actions?
There are a great deal of other questions that are asked in our “Round Table Discussions” as a result of these heated debates. These discussions and debates can result in hours of insightful and memorable conversation that your children will definitely reminisce in years to come. The bottom line is that these controlled and mediated discussions are productive educational lessons that bring something to everyone in the family sitting at the discussion table.
Our “Round Table Discussions” help my children go beyond what they have learned in the classroom, the media or through their social network of friends. Many times it helps them understand and make sense of the sometimes conflicting and confusing information that is readily available simply by turning on our televisions. We should encourage our children to question and discuss issues that they may come across in their daily lives without intimidation or the fear of reprisal.
As a father, the knowledge and insight that is gained through these enriching family discussions are priceless. This is our opportunity as parents to infuse family values, while preparing our children to deal with the ever changing world around them.
