One of the ways that we grow as a family and as individuals is through meaningful discussion and debate. In our home, we routinely engage in discussions encompassing every subject under the sun, but what makes it more interesting is when a passionate subject or intriguing question rapidly evolves into the focal point of a heated debate. This is where, we as parents have an ideal opportunity to help our children improve their most needed skills for effective communications by encouraging discussion without insult or personal attacks. It is a means to helping them understand that we can respect one another even though we may dramatically differ in opinion or belief. The key is to encourage our children to respectfully engage in open discussions while understanding that it is acceptable to disagree, whereby discussion and debate are a means to conveying ones point of view in an effort to convincing the other of the same or perhaps an attempt to seeking clarification over a misunderstanding. In any event, it is equally important to understand that we may not always agree on everything that we talk about during our “Round Table Discussions”, teaching them the ultimate lesson, we can agree to disagree.
Some of the questions that normally start our “Round Table Discussions” are:
Bible Study:
- What do you think was the meaning or message of this week’s Bible study?
- What would you have done in their place?
Global & Local Events:
- How do you think this event will effect you?
- Do you agree or disagree?
- Would you have made the same choice and take the same actions?
Relationships:
- Were your actions moral, ethical or appropriate?
- How do you think your statements or actions effect the person you are speaking with?
- Did you give yourself enough time to think about it before you responded in such a manor?
- How would you feel if you were on the receiving end of such statements or actions?
There are a great deal of other questions that are asked in our “Round Table Discussions” as a result of these heated debates. These discussions and debates can result in hours of insightful and memorable conversation that your children will definitely reminisce in years to come. The bottom line is that these controlled and mediated discussions are productive educational lessons that bring something to everyone in the family sitting at the discussion table.
Our “Round Table Discussions” help my children go beyond what they have learned in the classroom, the media or through their social network of friends. Many times it helps them understand and make sense of the sometimes conflicting and confusing information that is readily available simply by turning on our televisions. We should encourage our children to question and discuss issues that they may come across in their daily lives without intimidation or the fear of reprisal.
As a father, the knowledge and insight that is gained through these enriching family discussions are priceless. This is our opportunity as parents to infuse family values, while preparing our children to deal with the ever changing world around them.
The long process of divorce had taken its toll, heightened tensions and increased stress levels grew substantially, especially with the boys, who were already struggling with their new routines, new homes and acclamation to thier new lives. The custody agreement called for visitation split almost equally down the middle in hopes of helping the children ease into a stable nurturing family life. Unfortunately, they were not digesting this very well and the dramatic differences in parenting styles in both homes, drove the children to even greater levels of anxiety and frustration.
The children were intolerant to any conflict and confrontations were easily sparked by a single word or sarcastic facial gesture. They were short tempered, very competitive by nature and both had very little patience for one another. They did not posses the skills they needed to control this rage that could easily enflame a situation into an all out battle of global proportions.
Actually, it almost never failed, it could start off with a tease, a statements or insult…
• “Hey, that’s mine… Give it back… Don’t touch my things!”
• “Why did you say that about me? Stop it!”
• “That’s a lie! Your a liar!”
• “I hate you, get out of my room!”
And of course, we won’t even get into the occasional profanities delivered by uncontrollable tantrums, or those silent expressions of love they call the one finger salute. At times, I could swear that they were testing my wits as they attempted pushing me over the edge to the point of no return.
Collateral damage, as a result of the children’s inability to cope with various situations, could have dramatically worsened with age if the problems were not addressed immediately and appropriately. I have found that an exercise in communications (family round-table discussions), before or immediately after an argument erupts, helps dramatically. These discussions would typically start off with a brief lecture identifying the problem(s) and some pointers on how they could be addressed. Eventually the discussion is handed off to the children to conduct and I would mediate from time to time. Conversations, would at times extend beyond an hour. On one occasion we sat discussing the problem for more that two hours and walked around the block a few times as well. We would all exhaust ourselves discussing every aspect of a potential problem, defining each one’s role in solving potential issues that may arise.
For example: The boys would almost always be at each others throats when it came to playing video games. Resolving this problem required two things;
1.setting a time limit that they were allowed to play and
2.that they both discuss how they intended on playing the game, while respecting each others space.
At first, this was not an easy task, but within time, this reduced friction between the two and most importantly, it helped preserve my sanity.
Over the years, communicating had reduced the number of explosive arguments to virtually none. Things may not be one hundred percent perfect, but they sure are closer to bliss.
