As a father and single parent, I have never had a connection with Father’s Day and really never understood why until this past year. Father’s Day, like many other things in our society, has become commercialized and most families have lost the true essence of that day. I came to a realization early on that being a father is a gift, one that should be enjoyed every day and in all ways.
A day as a father means playing many roles:
- an educator
- a mentor
- a therapist
- a disciplinarian
- a tutor
- a mediator
- a friend
- a confidant
- a doctor
- a coach
- a motivational speaker
- a spectator
- a spiritual leader
- a good listener
- and always provide hope when all else seems to have been lost
There are times when my children express anger and hatred for certain decisions I make, but later they confess that they love me for doing the right thing. They have even expressed their gratitude towards me for being there for them in their time of need and for not being there for the times they needed their space. The list goes on and on, but each role brought me a strong sense of satisfaction, as a father and friend.
There are many hats we wear as parents, some more difficult than others. The gratification of our efforts come in the form of the results of our actions with our children. A good teacher always learns from his students and none could be greater than those lessons taught by our children and so, I share with you the events that unfolded this past Father’s Day.
It was early Sunday morning and I was awoken by my sons, who showered me with hugs and kisses. They proceeded to nudge me over to the center of the bed and positioned themselves on my left and right sides, as they usually do on the weekends. They were both in their usual cheerful moods, energized spirits and ready-to-go attitudes as they smiled and simultaneously called out, ”good morning dad”. I replied “good morning gentlemen…” and then asked if they knew what day it was? “It’s Sunday!” my older son stated with a grin, “why do you ask dad?” It appeared to me that my boys had forgotten that it was Father’s Day and before I could say another word, they both said, “Every day is Father’s Day, that is what you always tell us, so why should this day be any different.”
They jumped out of bed, ran out of the room, only to return moments later with cards they had made for Father’s day. They had crafted their own Father’s Day cards of which they were so proud to read and present to me as a life long memory and keep sake. They insisted I remain in bed while they prepared a special Father’s Day breakfast for me. It was toast with cream cheese, a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of tea (a five star dish in my book). They set up a beautiful place setting on the dining room table and called for my presence. We sat together and enjoyed a wonderful meal together. You see, what they did that morning, was no different to what they do on a regular basis. What I found most pleasing was the fact that they chose to give me what no television commercial could ever sell… They chose to give of themselves. That is the true essence of Father’s Day, an unselfish and personal demonstration of appreciation from our children.
It was right there and then that I realized that my children understood the true meaning of Father’s Day and at the same time, I understood my disconnect with the commercialized version of Father’s Day. The day continued in the same spirit as it began and ended on a high note of bliss.
The pleasures of fatherhood are distinctly unique, while every moment may not always be as sweet, the blossoming of our children into independent beings is a testament to our tireless efforts.
It is truly a blessed gift to be able to experience all that life has to offer with my children, and so I have learned that every day is Father’s Day.
Sometimes our ability to reach out to our children with regards to certain personal issues may not always be as successful or effective as we would like. This is not necessarily a reflection of our failure as parents, but rather an indication that we may need to shift gears and look at things from a fresh new prospective. At times, we may not want to open our eyes or admit to our selves that our children have grown, but our young teenage children are maturing at a rapid rate, their hormones are creating chaos within and their bodies are constantly morphing into unknown territories that at times leave them in an introverted state of mind. Let’s not forget to mention those peer pressure years where you hope and prey that your children have picked up enough common sense to avoid the nasty labyrinth of pit falls that await them. I have learned that while most of the issues my children are experiencing could be addressed through one-on-one conversations, simply by sharing commonalities from my childhood experiences, while others unfortunately cannot.
There are four rules I live by…
Be proactively involved in your child’s academics. Stay on top of things and routinely communicate with your child’s teachers and guidance counselors. Depending on your level of comfort, you may want to setup weekly or monthly progress reports. This will definitely help you avoid those quarterly surprises on their report cards.
Activities, activities, activities. I cannot stress the importance of keeping your children engaged in in-school and after school programs. This helps them break away from the day-in and day-out stress of learning and adds some self esteam as they interact with their peers.
Constantly and openly communicate with your children about every subject under the sun. Participate in hobbies and talk about subjects of their interest. The key is to see things from their point of view, which means bringing yourself down to their level (This is not always easy to do, but lets not forget that we were once those teenagers too!).
Continue to instill family values and traditions. As your child is exposed to the many elements of their environment, they must always know that home is a never changing constant, a beacon assisting them while navigating life.
They may all sound pretty simple, but I have learned that we are all created differently, therefore making all of this a bit of a challenge at times. So what can you do when everything you are doing seems to feel right, but you have a sense that there is something that just doesn’t sit right? What other options are there for you and your child? I recall when I was a young teenager that I did not always feel comfortable talking to my parents about every topic under the sun, especially those I was still having problems sorting out for myself. Unfortunately, my parents like many others at the time, viewed therapy as an indication of someone who suffered from mental illness and not as a viable objective avenue to assist in creatively addressing sometimes complex situations.
We, as parents, are so involved with providing for our children that we sometimes need a helping hand from an outsider that could shed some new light on things and help us converge on a mutual meeting ground with our children. Some of us tend to become so involved in a situation that we become very subjective, therefor creating a disconnect and making us ineffective. More importantly, it may not even be an issue of being able to relate with your child, but rather one whereby your child faces certain stumbling blocks that they need to overcome on their own.
Letting our rebellious or seemingly distant teens know that we are still there for them may have a greater impact when delivered by a family member, close friend or an objective third party. The first choice for me is to involve a close relative or family friend, but some situations may be of a sensitive nature, ones that may not be shared beyond the inner sanctum of your relationship with your child, so family and close friends may not always be a good option. It is at this point in time that I have found value in therapy, both for myself and my children. A therapist is seen as neutral grounds where your children are able to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of any retributions. Time with a therapist should be utilized to strengthen your child’s ability to reach down within themselves and put to words feelings they otherwise cannot express or communicate under normal circumstances.
Experience has taught me to use my children’s school as a great source for information. Where else can you find families and educators working together with only one objective, getting your children through the most challenging years of their lives. Educators are accustom to dealing with therapists on a routine basis and have established good working relationships with a wide range of local therapists that are experienced dealing with your children’s issues.
The therapists that have been recommended thus far by my children’s school have worked wonders for my children, most importantly, for my family.
The trauma of divorce can leave many long lasting scars on youngsters, especially those suffering from low self esteem as a result of years of verbal and physical abuse. The toughest child to work with was my twelve year old, who at the age of eight years had already isolated himself socially and expressed his anger and discontent by rebelling at home and at school. For the most part, his frustrations grew as he attempted to deal with the many facets of his fears and mixed emotions towards his mother, which eventually manifested into unharnessed anger and uncontrollable profanity. Placing him in therapy began helping him understand the feelings that enraged him, but did not place him at ease or heal him of the scars I feared he would carry for the rest of his life.
His resistance to helping himself required close monitoring and constant nurturing. Every week I would brace myself in anticipation for at least two phone calls from his school reporting yet another crisis involving my son. I believe both the school and I were at our wits end, not knowing what else to do to save this child from the destructive path he was dangerously traveling. Unfortunately, the absence of a healthy and normal relationship with his mother made it an even greater challenge and reduced his odds of healing his emotional scars sooner.
My initial strategy was to closely work with him by monitoring his progress and micro managing his daily activities. This was not enough, I had to devise a way of keeping him out of trouble at school. His inability to contain his anger could be triggered by almost any gesture thrown his way.
He possessed a love for music, so I capitalized on his passion by convincing him to volunteer his time during lunch recess to assisting the music teacher. The time working with the music teacher seemed to have triggered a comfort zone for him, even though he was missing out on social time with his peers, he was staying out of trouble by pursuing his passions for music, which allowed him for the first time, to explore his artistic capabilities. This proved to be a safe place for him and dramatically helped him as it marked the turning point in his climb out of the emotional mess that was sucking him down into the abyss. Both the school and myself experienced several months of stability, but as the summer was progressively nearing, I knew that a new strategy had to quickly be devised, because my close monitoring of his activities will eventually evolve into a crutch that he will have greater difficulty shedding.
Over the summer months, I kept him engaged in activities that would nurture his psychological and emotional growth by signing him up with the Rotary Club Community Band and placing him in a camp that explored his interests in science, music and physical education. My hopes of refortifying his confidence and self esteem seemed to slowly be turning into a reality, but it was still too soon to tell. Summer came and went and the new semester had arrived. Sixth grade marked a mile stone in his life, it meant a new school and a new set of friends. It was a chance for shedding a poor reputation from elementary school, an opportunity to building a brighter future and acquiring new friends. But shortly into the new semester, mounting friction between him and his mother and finally, new allegations of child abuse, transgressed his behavior and once again threatened his psychological and emotional stability. He once again took a social and academic nose dive and was failing across the board. It was at this point, he and his brother were finally placed into my personal care, full time.
A new strategy, one more drastic had to be devised and quickly placed into action. Stronger disciplinary actions, tighter boundaries and tougher punishments for any sort of academic or behavioral deviations were implemented for both my sons. As much as they complained at first, my unwillingness to back down began to pay off as they started to respond positively. In a few years, my older son would be entering the “rebellious teen years” and time was not on my side, so I turned to doctors who prescribed medication to help him focus in the class room, but this was not enough to shift his negative attitude into a more positive outlook towards life. Teachers reported his continued unwillingness to engage himself in classroom activities. Everyone was reaching a critical point whereby losing their interest and did not want to deal with his inabilities to overcome his problems. It was time for me to take the “School of Hard Knocks” approach and put all the cards on the table. No punches were held back as I sat and explained to him how his life was about to change forever.
“Summer School” seemed to be the first blow that opened his eyes as he stood in complete disbelief. This was something he never anticipated as he was accustomed to living without boundaries when living with his mother, who allowed him to be defiant and unruly without any dyer consequences. Now, he was no longer torn apart by living in two households who offered dramatically different parenting styles. We proceeded to speak at great lengths about the damage he was doing to himself and to all those around him, dismissing every excuse along the way that he conjured up about it being everyone else’s fault but his own. Unfortunately, this was still not enough to carry him over the fence and back on track. It was when I had explained to him that he would most likely be left behind another year in the sixth grade, to relive the year he threw away with the same teachers who supposedly hated him and with the new younger incoming body of students. His facial expressions said it all as he finally came to his senses. It was a revelation that transposed him into a completely new person. The idea that his peers would surpass him was completely unacceptable and incomprehensible. It was a call to action.
Now that his interest was ignited, I had to make certain that he stayed on track. I contacted the school’s guidance counselor, who immediately implemented a weekly progress report that all teachers would fill out and send home with him every Friday. It is a report delivered every week to date. It is his job to open the envelope and read his progress report to me after Friday night dinner. You can see the pride in his face as he reads his weekly progress report, proudly stating his teacher’s positive feedback for work well done.
Finally, this was the ideal tool to repairing his self esteem and restoring his confidence before his teachers and his peers. Over the next few months, I witnessed this child transform all of his failing grades into exceptionally good ones. He no longer asked for homework assistance and voluntarily stayed up to late hours of the night doing extra credit work. There are times he’ll venture to after school assistance in certain subjects, an effort he himself sees positive results with higher test grades. Teachers have stopped me in the school hallways asking me “What did you do to this boy? He is an absolute pleasure to have in class!”, and I always responded with a shrug, stating “it wasn’t me, it’s all him!”
My son is finally on his way and this is just the tip of the ice burg. He has tasted from the fountain of success, which created an unquenchable thirst for more. Suffice to say, the school year came to an end, not only did he do well, but he was the recipient of the prestigious Kiwanis Club Awards for Academic Achievement.
As a father, I came to realize that I was not alone in ensuring the success of my children. There are countless unselfish men and women from his school and such clubs as Rotary International and Kiwanis International that have all played an integral part in his inspiration and eventual success. Collectively, they have all taught me that while most children look for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there are the few that will follow their dreams and aspire to shoot for the stars.
For the first time in his life, my son has realized that something greater was waiting out there for him. He was tapping into his potential and began to see what he could achieve all on his own in life…
HIS DREAMS!
