The long process of divorce had taken its toll, heightened tensions and increased stress levels grew substantially, especially with the boys, who were already struggling with their new routines, new homes and acclamation to thier new lives. The custody agreement called for visitation split almost equally down the middle in hopes of helping the children ease into a stable nurturing family life. Unfortunately, they were not digesting this very well and the dramatic differences in parenting styles in both homes, drove the children to even greater levels of anxiety and frustration.
The children were intolerant to any conflict and confrontations were easily sparked by a single word or sarcastic facial gesture. They were short tempered, very competitive by nature and both had very little patience for one another. They did not posses the skills they needed to control this rage that could easily enflame a situation into an all out battle of global proportions.
Actually, it almost never failed, it could start off with a tease, a statements or insult…
• “Hey, that’s mine… Give it back… Don’t touch my things!”
• “Why did you say that about me? Stop it!”
• “That’s a lie! Your a liar!”
• “I hate you, get out of my room!”
And of course, we won’t even get into the occasional profanities delivered by uncontrollable tantrums, or those silent expressions of love they call the one finger salute. At times, I could swear that they were testing my wits as they attempted pushing me over the edge to the point of no return.
Collateral damage, as a result of the children’s inability to cope with various situations, could have dramatically worsened with age if the problems were not addressed immediately and appropriately. I have found that an exercise in communications (family round-table discussions), before or immediately after an argument erupts, helps dramatically. These discussions would typically start off with a brief lecture identifying the problem(s) and some pointers on how they could be addressed. Eventually the discussion is handed off to the children to conduct and I would mediate from time to time. Conversations, would at times extend beyond an hour. On one occasion we sat discussing the problem for more that two hours and walked around the block a few times as well. We would all exhaust ourselves discussing every aspect of a potential problem, defining each one’s role in solving potential issues that may arise.
For example: The boys would almost always be at each others throats when it came to playing video games. Resolving this problem required two things;
1.setting a time limit that they were allowed to play and
2.that they both discuss how they intended on playing the game, while respecting each others space.
At first, this was not an easy task, but within time, this reduced friction between the two and most importantly, it helped preserve my sanity.
Over the years, communicating had reduced the number of explosive arguments to virtually none. Things may not be one hundred percent perfect, but they sure are closer to bliss.
Let’s face it, times have truly changed. Fathers are more intimately involved with the upbringing of their children. Public opinion and society as a whole, have also dramatically shifted their views towards the acceptability of fathers as sole custodial parents. It has become a sign of the times to witness more and more fathers spend significantly more time with their sons and daughters. Why? Fathers want to take a proactive role in the upbringing of their children, especially in situations where mothers have moved away from the traditional role of parenting.
In recent years, I have discovered an incredible number of fathers struggling with the issues of divorce and the challenges of sole parenting. It is seen by many as uncharted territory, historically navigated exclusively by women, but the changing tides have brought about an unprecedented growing number of fathers assuming this paramount responsibility.
Divorce itself is an unfortunate and most unpleasant occurrence in life, especially when children are involved. To my great dismay, I have learned that divorce is treated as a normal occurrence of everyday life. Each passing generation seems to be less interested in the investment of nurturing relationships or promoting family value.
Our children benefit from a delicate balance of nurturing from both the mother and the father. A collapse of one’s family unit is far more devastating when it is attributed to child abuse, domestic violence, neglect, and/or other contributing domestic problems. As a result, children are placed at greater mental and physical health risks. What ever the details of your situation may be, we all have seen the same, there is a growing number of fathers that have stepped forward in accepting full responsibility in protecting and nurturing their children, regardless of the odds placed before them.
Most parents attempt to establish a balanced environment for their children in a post divorce relationship. Co-parenting can be successful when open communication channels and balanced visitation schedules are established. Mutual respect for one another and working together towards your children’s goals is key to proper child development. In an ideal situation all of these things would be considered as an optimal condition. As most of us learn very quickly, co-parenting can be a challenge when one or both parents are not cooperative. There are many reasons why this happens and each and every one of us has his own story to tell.
As a single parent, I have discovered that the challenges to keeping my children well balanced emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, are very rewarding. The end results yield an overwhelming positive sense of accomplishment (especially when you see those incredible expressions of joy on your children’s faces, it makes it all worth while!). Finally, dealing with these and other of life’s issues, I have learned that expressing one’s ideas with one’s friends and peers, can certainly be beneficial.
I take great pride in the care I provide my children, as do all fathers in similar situations. Although, from time to time, we may find ourselves faced with a situation that is unfamiliar. We should not despair, but rather embrace it as an opportunity to rise to the challenges that lay ahead. This is why I find it necessary for all dads to participate in the development of resources, such as this one, and build a support infrastructure that is designed to assisting fathers.
