As a father and single parent, there are plenty of challenges that one faces raising children, especially in the area of discipline. On one hand, I would love to be my children’s best friend, but I discovered early on that as my children matured with age, trying to be a friend before being a father, distorts a child’s view of his or her parent as an authoritative figure, which eventually leads to loss of respect and a breakdown of the family hierarchy.
Parenting style is key to the proper development of a child and the understanding of these styles helps a parent establish the necessary foundation to ensure proper and healthy development of their child. There are various parenting styles that are widely discussed in the world of parenting and the one thing to remember, depending on your circumstances, environment and your child emotional and psychological being, there are no standards or boiler plates that can be used for all situations. For me, it was a process in which I first had to gain insight into the mental and emotional workings of each of my children before tailoring a style that was comfortable and suitable.
Recent research has brought me to Diana Baumrind, who is best known for her development of one of the best known theories of parenting style. She proposed that parents fall into one of three categories: authoritarian (telling their children exactly what to do), indulgent (allowing their children to do whatever they wish), or authoritative (providing rules and guidance without being overbearing). The theory was later extended to include negligent parents (disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests).
Authoritative parenting
The parent is demanding and responsive.
Authoritative parenting, also called balanced parenting, is characterized by a child-centered approach that holds high expectations of maturity, compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing for an open dialogue about those rules and behaviors between the parent and child. “Authoritative parenting encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions.” “Extensive verbal give-and-take is allowed, and parents are warm and nurturant toward the child.” Authoritative parents are not usually as controlling, allowing the child to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions based upon their own reasoning.
Authoritative parents set limits and demand maturity, but when punishing a child, the parent will explain his or her motive for their punishment. “Their punishments are measured and consistent in discipline, not harsh or arbitrary. Parents will set clear standards for their children, monitor limits that they set, and also allow children to develop autonomy. They also expect mature, independent, and age-appropriate behavior of children.” They are attentive to their children’s needs and concerns, and will typically forgive and teach instead of punishing if a child falls short. This is supposed to result in children having a higher self esteem and independence because of the democratic give-take nature of the authoritative parenting style. This is the most recommended style of parenting by child-rearing experts.
Authoritarian parenting
The parent is demanding but not responsive.
Authoritarian parenting, also called strict, is characterized by high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing little open dialogue between parent and child. “Authoritarian parenting is a restrictive, punitive style in which parents exhort the child to follow their directions and to respect their work and effort.”Authoritarian parents expect much of their child but generally do not explain the reasoning for the rules or boundaries. Authoritarian parents are less responsive to their children’s needs, and are more likely to spank a child rather than discuss the problem.
Children with this type of parenting may have less social competence as the parent generally tells the child what to do instead of allowing the child to choose by him or herself. Nonetheless, researchers have found that in some cultures and ethnic groups, aspects of authoritarian style may be associated with more positive child outcomes than Baumrind predicts. “Aspects of traditional Asian child-rearing practices are often continued by Asian American families. In some cases, these practices have been described as authoritarian.”
Indulgent parenting
The parent is responsive but not demanding.
Indulgent parenting, also called permissive, non-directive or lenient, is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for the child. “Indulgent parenting is a style of parenting in which parents are very involved with their children but place few demands or controls on them.”Parents are nurturing and accepting, and are very responsive to the child’s needs and wishes. Indulgent parents do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately.
Children of permissive parents may tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents, may engage more in misconduct and drug use. “Children never learn to control their own behavior and always expect to get their way.”But in the better cases they are emotionally secure, independent and are willing to learn and accept defeat. They are able to live life without the help of someone else.
Neglectful parenting
The parent is neither demanding nor responsive.
Neglectful parenting is also called uninvolved, detached, dismissive or hands-off. The parents are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child’s life, are disengaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits. Parents are emotionally unsupportive of their children, but will still provide their basic needs.
Children whose parents are neglectful develop the sense that other aspects of the parents’ lives are more important than they are. Children often display contradictory behavior, and are emotionally withdrawn from social situations. This disturbed attachment also impacts relationships later on in life. In adolescence, they may show patterns of truancy and delinquency.
I have tried several approaches into parenting and found that an authoritative parenting style as being the ideal style under most, if not all, circumstances, one that has proven to be successful and quite receptive by my children. My children are far more content when they have a clear understanding of the rules. It is my belief that they expect the boundaries that have been established for them and more importantly, they feel a sense of security knowing that they are met with certain levels of resistance when they attempt to challenge those rules or overstep their boundaries.
