The long process of divorce had taken its toll, heightened tensions and increased stress levels grew substantially, especially with the boys, who were already struggling with their new routines, new homes and acclamation to thier new lives. The custody agreement called for visitation split almost equally down the middle in hopes of helping the children ease into a stable nurturing family life. Unfortunately, they were not digesting this very well and the dramatic differences in parenting styles in both homes, drove the children to even greater levels of anxiety and frustration.
The children were intolerant to any conflict and confrontations were easily sparked by a single word or sarcastic facial gesture. They were short tempered, very competitive by nature and both had very little patience for one another. They did not posses the skills they needed to control this rage that could easily enflame a situation into an all out battle of global proportions.
Actually, it almost never failed, it could start off with a tease, a statements or insult…
• “Hey, that’s mine… Give it back… Don’t touch my things!”
• “Why did you say that about me? Stop it!”
• “That’s a lie! Your a liar!”
• “I hate you, get out of my room!”
And of course, we won’t even get into the occasional profanities delivered by uncontrollable tantrums, or those silent expressions of love they call the one finger salute. At times, I could swear that they were testing my wits as they attempted pushing me over the edge to the point of no return.
Collateral damage, as a result of the children’s inability to cope with various situations, could have dramatically worsened with age if the problems were not addressed immediately and appropriately. I have found that an exercise in communications (family round-table discussions), before or immediately after an argument erupts, helps dramatically. These discussions would typically start off with a brief lecture identifying the problem(s) and some pointers on how they could be addressed. Eventually the discussion is handed off to the children to conduct and I would mediate from time to time. Conversations, would at times extend beyond an hour. On one occasion we sat discussing the problem for more that two hours and walked around the block a few times as well. We would all exhaust ourselves discussing every aspect of a potential problem, defining each one’s role in solving potential issues that may arise.
For example: The boys would almost always be at each others throats when it came to playing video games. Resolving this problem required two things;
1.setting a time limit that they were allowed to play and
2.that they both discuss how they intended on playing the game, while respecting each others space.
At first, this was not an easy task, but within time, this reduced friction between the two and most importantly, it helped preserve my sanity.
Over the years, communicating had reduced the number of explosive arguments to virtually none. Things may not be one hundred percent perfect, but they sure are closer to bliss.
