A day as a father means playing many roles:

• an educator
• a mentor
• a therapist
• a disciplinarian
• a tutor
• a mediator
• a friend
• a confidant
• a doctor
• a coach
• a motivational speaker
• a spectator
• a spiritual leader
• a good listener
• and always provide hope when all else seems to have been lost

There are times when my children express anger and hatred for certain decisions I make, but later they confess that they love me for doing the right thing. They have even expressed their gratitude towards me for being there for them in their time of need and for not being there for the times they needed their space. The list goes on and on, but each role brought me a strong sense of satisfaction, as a father and friend.

There are many hats we wear as parents, some more difficult than others. The gratification of our efforts come in the form of the results of our actions with our children. A good teacher always learns from his students and none could be greater than those lessons taught by our children and so, I share with you the events that unfolded this past Father’s Day.

It was early Sunday morning and I was awoken by my sons, who showered me with hugs and kisses. They proceeded to nudge me over to the center of the bed and positioned themselves on my left and right sides, as they usually do on the weekends. They were both in their usual cheerful moods, energized spirits and ready-to-go attitudes as they smiled and simultaneously called out, ”good morning dad”. I replied “good morning gentlemen…” and then asked if they knew what day it was? “It’s Sunday!” my older son stated with a grin, “why do you ask dad?” It appeared to me that my boys had forgotten that it was Father’s Day and before I could say another word, they both said, “Every day is Father’s Day, that is what you always tell us, so why should this day be any different.”

They jumped out of bed, ran out of the room, only to return moments later with cards they had made for Father’s day. They had crafted their own Father’s Day cards of which they were so proud to read and present to me as a life long memory and keep sake. They insisted I remain in bed while they prepared a special Father’s Day breakfast for me. It was toast with cream cheese, a bowl of cereal and a hot cup of tea (a five star dish in my book). They set up a beautiful place setting on the dining room table and called for my presence. We sat together and enjoyed a wonderful meal together. You see, what they did that morning, was no different to what they do on a regular basis. What I found most pleasing was the fact that they chose to give me what no television commercial could ever sell… They chose to give of themselves. That is the true essence of Father’s Day, an unselfish and personal demonstration of appreciation from our children.

It was right there and then that I realized that my children understood the true meaning of Father’s Day and at the same time, I understood my disconnect with the commercialized version of Father’s Day.  The day continued in the same spirit as it began and ended on a high note of bliss.

The pleasures of fatherhood are distinctly unique, while every moment may not always be as sweet, the blossoming of our children into independent beings is a testament to our tireless efforts.

It is truly a blessed gift to be able to experience all that life has to offer with my children, and so I have learned that every day is Father’s Day.

At that moment, I recalled an incident that transpired many years’ back, during my early teen years over a conversation with my father regarding fatherhood and the love a parent has for their children. While, I do not recall the entire conversation, I do vividly remember his reaction when I had stated to him, “I love you the same way you love me”. He quickly explained that a parent’s affection for their children is unique and could only be understood when I would one day have a family of my own.

Well, suffice to say a few months after my first child was born, I finally realized what my father had meant years before. The subsequent bond that had developed between my son and I gave birth to a slew of feelings that had never existed before his arrival. A time shortly thereafter, I confronted my father and reminded him of our discussion regarding a father’s feelings for his children. Surprisingly, a funny thing happened next, as he held my son (his grandson) in his arms, he leaned over and kissed him, then looked me straight in the eyes and said with a smile, “there is still one more pleasure in life which you have not yet experienced. One greater than my love for you, one greater than your love for your children… It’s our grandchildren”.

He went on to explain that “we as human beings are separated from everything else in the food chain of life by virtue of our higher intellect, but more importantly, we are also the only species on this planet that forge a unique bond with our grandchildren”.

The picture that my colleague shared with me had ignited distant memories that produced an amplified realization of the greater things hopefully still to come in my life. As I stood there watching and listening to my friend tell his story, I could not help but notice the myriad of expressions on his face that revealed a strong sense of admiration and pride for his grandson, one far greater than a father’s toward his son.

For now, I can only share my experiences with those around me through the eyes of a father who clearly understands the value of waiting patiently for the day his grandchildren finally arrive.

It is on that day, I am certain that my father’s words will be remembered anew.

Parenting style is key to the proper development of a child and the understanding of these styles helps a parent establish the necessary foundation to ensure proper and healthy development of their child. There are various parenting styles that are widely discussed in the world of parenting and the one thing to remember, depending on your circumstances, environment and your child emotional and psychological being, there are no standards or boiler plates that can be used for all situations. For me, it was a process in which I first had to gain insight into the mental and emotional workings of each of my children before tailoring a style that was comfortable and suitable.

Recent research has brought me to Diana Baumrind, who is best known for her development of one of the best known theories of parenting style. She proposed that parents fall into one of three categories: authoritarian (telling their children exactly what to do), indulgent (allowing their children to do whatever they wish), or authoritative (providing rules and guidance without being overbearing). The theory was later extended to include negligent parents (disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests).

Authoritative parenting

The parent is demanding and responsive.

Authoritative parenting, also called balanced parenting, is characterized by a child-centered approach that holds high expectations of maturity, compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing for an open dialogue about those rules and behaviors between the parent and child. “Authoritative parenting encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions.” “Extensive verbal give-and-take is allowed, and parents are warm and nurturant toward the child.” Authoritative parents are not usually as controlling, allowing the child to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions based upon their own reasoning.

Authoritative parents set limits and demand maturity, but when punishing a child, the parent will explain his or her motive for their punishment. “Their punishments are measured and consistent in discipline, not harsh or arbitrary. Parents will set clear standards for their children, monitor limits that they set, and also allow children to develop autonomy. They also expect mature, independent, and age-appropriate behavior of children.” They are attentive to their children’s needs and concerns, and will typically forgive and teach instead of punishing if a child falls short. This is supposed to result in children having a higher self esteem and independence because of the democratic give-take nature of the authoritative parenting style. This is the most recommended style of parenting by child-rearing experts.

Authoritarian parenting

The parent is demanding but not responsive.

Authoritarian parenting, also called strict, is characterized by high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions, while allowing little open dialogue between parent and child. “Authoritarian parenting is a restrictive, punitive style in which parents exhort the child to follow their directions and to respect their work and effort.”Authoritarian parents expect much of their child but generally do not explain the reasoning for the rules or boundaries. Authoritarian parents are less responsive to their children’s needs, and are more likely to spank a child rather than discuss the problem.

Children with this type of parenting may have less social competence as the parent generally tells the child what to do instead of allowing the child to choose by him or herself. Nonetheless, researchers have found that in some cultures and ethnic groups, aspects of authoritarian style may be associated with more positive child outcomes than Baumrind predicts. “Aspects of traditional Asian child-rearing practices are often continued by Asian American families. In some cases, these practices have been described as authoritarian.”

Indulgent parenting

The parent is responsive but not demanding.

Indulgent parenting, also called permissive, non-directive or lenient, is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for the child. “Indulgent parenting is a style of parenting in which parents are very involved with their children but place few demands or controls on them.”Parents are nurturing and accepting, and are very responsive to the child’s needs and wishes. Indulgent parents do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately.

Children of permissive parents may tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents, may engage more in misconduct and drug use. “Children never learn to control their own behavior and always expect to get their way.”But in the better cases they are emotionally secure, independent and are willing to learn and accept defeat. They are able to live life without the help of someone else.

Neglectful parenting

The parent is neither demanding nor responsive.

 Neglectful parenting is also called uninvolved, detached, dismissive or hands-off. The parents are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child’s life, are disengaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits. Parents are emotionally unsupportive of their children, but will still provide their basic needs.

Children whose parents are neglectful develop the sense that other aspects of the parents’ lives are more important than they are. Children often display contradictory behavior, and are emotionally withdrawn from social situations. This disturbed attachment also impacts relationships later on in life. In adolescence, they may show patterns of truancy and delinquency.

I have tried several approaches into parenting and found that an authoritative parenting style as being the ideal style under most, if not all, circumstances, one that has proven to be successful and quite receptive by my children. My children are far more content when they have a clear understanding of the rules. It is my belief that they expect the boundaries that have been established for them and more importantly, they feel a sense of security knowing that they are met with certain levels of resistance when they attempt to challenge those rules or overstep their boundaries.

Some of the questions that normally start our “Round Table Discussions” are:

Bible Study:

• What do you think was the meaning or message of this week’s Bible study?
• What would you have done in their place?

Global & Local Events:

• How do you think this event will effect you?
• Do you agree or disagree?
• Would you have made the same choice and take the same actions?

Relationships:

• Were your actions moral, ethical or appropriate?
• How do you think your statements or actions effect the person you are speaking with?
• Did you give yourself enough time to think about it before you responded in such a manor?
• How would you feel if you were on the receiving end of such statements or actions?

There are a great deal of other questions that are asked in our “Round Table Discussions” as a result of these heated debates. These discussions and debates can result in hours of insightful and memorable conversation that your children will definitely reminisce in years to come. The bottom line is that these controlled and mediated discussions are productive educational lessons that bring something to everyone in the family sitting at the discussion table.

Our “Round Table Discussions” help my children go beyond what they have learned in the classroom, the media or through their social network of friends. Many times it helps them understand and make sense of the sometimes conflicting and confusing information that is readily available simply by turning on our televisions. We should encourage our children to question and discuss issues that they may come across in their daily lives without  intimidation or the fear of reprisal.

As a father, the knowledge and insight that is gained through these enriching family discussions are priceless. This is our opportunity as parents to infuse family values, while preparing our children to deal with the ever changing world around them.

Parents in general should always excersize simple safety guidelines and educate your children to be aware of their environment. My children know that they must inform me of where they are at any given time and in case of emergency they have enough sense to call 911. 

To my horrific surprise, my fact finding research yielded results that I found to be unsettling and served as an eye opener to a very disturbing reality. No one is immune, because sexual predators have no physical borders and are not confined to any given socio-economic group.

Thankfully, there are National Registries, State and Local Government sites that give parents the tools they need to be aware of the potential dangers that roam the local streets. Sites vary with regards to the amount of details they will provide, but generally the sites that I visited provided names, addresses, maps, photos and conviction information regarding all of the predators in my area.

A very helpful site was the FAMILY WATCHDOG , a national sex offender registry, where you can get information about your area. They provide you with the ability to sign up for alerts, offer a wide array of investigative tools, tips for parents and resources that I found quite valuable. On their Tips and Safety page, they offer some very helpful advise when it comes to teaching your children some street smarts:

• Always tell your parents where you are going.
• Never enter any home without getting your parent’s permission first.
• Never get into any vehicle, unless your parents know and have said it’s OK.
• Always wear reflective clothing at night.
• Never approach any house that is not well lit.
• Remember anything weird that an adult says or does to you and tell your parents immediately.
• Run away from people who offer you candy or other treats or want you to help look for their puppy or kitten.
• Scream, run and fight if anyone tries to grab you or make you to go with them.
• Don’t play in areas that you are unfamiliar with.
• Stay on well-lit streets and always use the sidewalk. If there is no sidewalk, always walk facing traffic.

They report that the national statistics of offender counts are staggering. This list contains the actual number of offenders that are publicly viewable in the official state registries.

The U.S. Department of Justice

AMBER Alert

There are four rules I live by…

Be proactively involved in your child’s academics. Stay on top of things and routinely communicate with your child’s teachers and guidance counselors. Depending on your level of comfort, you may want to setup weekly or monthly progress reports. This will definitely help you avoid those quarterly surprises on their report cards.

Activities, activities, activities. I cannot stress the importance of keeping your children engaged in in-school and after school programs. This helps them break away from the day-in and day-out stress of learning and adds some self esteam as they interact with their peers.

Constantly and openly communicate with your children about every subject under the sun. Participate in hobbies and talk about subjects of their interest. The key is to see things from their point of view, which means bringing yourself down to their level (This is not always easy to do, but lets not forget that we were once those teenagers too!).

Continue to instill family values and traditions. As your child is exposed to the many elements of their environment, they must always know that home is a never changing constant, a beacon assisting them while navigating life.

They may all sound pretty simple, but I have learned that we are all created differently, therefore making all of this a bit of a challenge at times. So what can you do when everything you are doing seems to feel right, but you have a sense that there is something that just doesn’t sit right? What other options are there for you and your child? I recall when I was a young teenager that I did not always feel comfortable talking to my parents about every topic under the sun, especially those I was still having problems sorting out for myself. Unfortunately, my parents like many others at the time, viewed therapy as an indication of someone who suffered from mental illness and not as a viable objective avenue to assist in creatively addressing sometimes complex situations.   

We, as parents, are so involved with providing for our children that we sometimes need a helping hand from an outsider that could shed some new light on things and help us converge on a mutual meeting ground with our children. Some of us tend to become so involved in a situation that we become very subjective, therefor creating a disconnect and making us ineffective. More importantly, it may not even be an issue of being able to relate with your child, but rather one whereby your child faces certain stumbling blocks that they need to overcome on their own. 

Letting our rebellious or seemingly distant teens know that we are still there for them may have a greater impact when delivered by a family member, close friend or an objective third party. The first choice for me is to involve a close relative or family friend, but some situations may be of a sensitive nature, ones that may not be shared beyond the inner sanctum of your relationship with your child, so family and close friends may not always be a good option. It is at this point in time that I have found value in therapy, both for myself and my children. A therapist is seen as neutral grounds where your children are able to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of any retributions. Time with a therapist should be utilized to strengthen your child’s ability to reach down within themselves and put to words feelings they otherwise cannot express or communicate under normal circumstances.

Experience has taught me to use my children’s school as a great source for information. Where else can you find families and educators working together with only one objective, getting your children through the most challenging years of their lives. Educators are accustom to dealing with therapists on a routine basis and have established good working relationships with a wide range of local therapists that are experienced dealing with your children’s issues.

The therapists that have been recommended thus far by my children’s school have worked wonders for my children, most importantly, for my family.

The toughest part is taking a closer look at what are all of your expenses, spending habits, itemizing them for review on a routine basis, define your goals and formulate a plan on getting there. For me, that routine happens at the end of every month where I decide on the things I can and cannot do and set out to follow those goals as closely as possible. More importantly, educating your children on the realities of the times and the challenges of managing your finances helps prepare them with the skills they will need for their futures.

There are great places on the Internet that contain a wealth of knowledge when it comes to managing your finances. These sites can be used to plan, create and manage your budget along with assisting you to plan for paying off debt, paying off loans, prepare for taxes or even save for retirement. Some sites will even help you manage your business finances and offer text reminders that help you stay on task. Other sites will even assist in helping you fund raise for your non-profit organization, teams and clubs.

Places worth while looking into are:

• BudgetPulse - Giving life to your finances
• Geezeo - Personal finance for everyone
• BudgetTracker - Track your budget easily
• Wesabe - Your money. Your Community.
• Mint - The best free way to manage your money

What ever the media is reporting about the state of our economy, one thing is certain, we can all use help making ends meet.

His resistance to helping himself required close monitoring and constant nurturing. Every week I would brace myself in anticipation for at least two phone calls from his school reporting yet another crisis involving my son. I believe both the school and I were at our wits end, not knowing what else to do to save this child from the destructive path he was dangerously traveling. Unfortunately, the absence of a healthy and normal relationship with his mother made it an even greater challenge and reduced his odds of healing his emotional scars sooner.

My initial strategy was to closely work with him by monitoring his progress and micro managing his daily activities. This was not enough, I had to devise a way of keeping him out of trouble at school. His inability to contain his anger could be triggered by almost any gesture thrown his way.

He possessed a love for music, so I capitalized on his passion by convincing him to volunteer his time during lunch recess to assisting the music teacher. The time working with the music teacher seemed to have triggered a comfort zone for him, even though he was missing out on social time with his peers, he was staying out of trouble by pursuing his passions for music, which allowed him for the first time, to explore his artistic capabilities. This proved to be a safe place for him and dramatically helped him as it marked the turning point in his climb out of the emotional mess that was sucking him down into the abyss. Both the school and myself experienced several months of stability, but as the summer was progressively nearing, I knew that a new strategy had to quickly be devised, because my close monitoring of his activities will eventually evolve into a crutch that he will have greater difficulty shedding.

Over the summer months, I kept him engaged in activities that would nurture his psychological and emotional growth by signing him up with the Rotary Club Community Band and placing him in a camp that explored his interests in science, music and physical education. My hopes of refortifying his confidence and self esteem seemed to slowly be turning into a reality, but it was still too soon to tell. Summer came and went and the new semester had arrived. Sixth grade marked a mile stone in his life, it meant a new school and a new set of friends. It was a chance for shedding a poor reputation from elementary school, an opportunity to building a brighter future and acquiring new friends. But shortly into the new semester, mounting friction between him and his mother and finally, new allegations of child abuse, transgressed his behavior and once again threatened his psychological and emotional stability. He once again took a social and academic nose dive and was failing across the board. It was at this point, he and his brother were finally placed into my personal care, full time.

A new strategy, one more drastic had to be devised and quickly placed into action. Stronger disciplinary actions, tighter boundaries and tougher punishments for any sort of academic or behavioral deviations were implemented for both my sons. As much as they complained at first, my unwillingness to back down began to pay off as they started to respond positively. In a few years, my older son would be entering the “rebellious teen years” and time was not on my side, so I turned to doctors who prescribed medication to help him focus in the class room, but this was not enough to shift his negative attitude into a more positive outlook towards life. Teachers reported his continued unwillingness to engage himself in classroom activities. Everyone was reaching a critical point whereby losing their interest and did not want to deal with his inabilities to overcome his problems. It was time for me to take the “School of Hard Knocks” approach and put all the cards on the table. No punches were held back as I sat and explained to him how his life was about to change forever.

“Summer School” seemed to be the first blow that opened his eyes as he stood in complete disbelief. This was something he never anticipated as he was accustomed to living without boundaries when living with his mother, who allowed him to be defiant and unruly without any dyer consequences. Now, he was no longer torn apart by living in two households who offered dramatically different parenting styles. We proceeded to speak at great lengths about the damage he was doing to himself and to all those around him, dismissing every excuse along the way that he conjured up about it being everyone else’s fault but his own. Unfortunately, this was still not enough to carry him over the fence and back on track. It was when I had explained to him that he would most likely be left behind another year in the sixth grade, to relive the year he threw away with the same teachers who supposedly hated him and with the new younger incoming body of students. His facial expressions said it all as he finally came to his senses. It was a revelation that transposed him into a completely new person. The idea that his peers would surpass him was completely unacceptable and incomprehensible. It was a call to action.

Now that his interest was ignited, I had to make certain that he stayed on track. I contacted the school’s guidance counselor, who immediately implemented a weekly progress report that all teachers would fill out and send home with him every Friday. It is a report delivered every week to date. It is his job to open the envelope and read his progress report to me after Friday night dinner. You can see the pride in his face as he reads his weekly progress report, proudly stating his teacher’s positive feedback for work well done.

Finally, this was the ideal tool to repairing his self esteem and restoring his confidence before his teachers and his peers. Over the next few months, I witnessed this child transform all of his failing grades into exceptionally good ones. He no longer asked for homework assistance and voluntarily stayed up to late hours of the night doing extra credit work. There are times he’ll venture to after school assistance in certain subjects, an effort he himself sees positive results with higher test grades. Teachers have stopped me in the school hallways asking me “What did you do to this boy? He is an absolute pleasure to have in class!”, and I always responded with a shrug, stating “it wasn’t me, it’s all him!”

My son is finally on his way and this is just the tip of the ice burg. He has tasted from the fountain of success, which created an unquenchable thirst for more. Suffice to say, the school year came to an end, not only did he do well, but he was the recipient of the prestigious Kiwanis Club Awards for Academic Achievement.

As a father, I came to realize that I was not alone in ensuring the success of my children. There are countless unselfish men and women from his school and such clubs as Rotary International and Kiwanis International that have all played an integral part in his inspiration and eventual success. Collectively, they have all taught me that while most children look for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there are the few that will follow their dreams and aspire to shoot for the stars.

For the first time in his life, my son has realized that something greater was waiting out there for him. He was tapping into his potential and began to see what he could achieve all on his own in life…

HIS DREAMS!

As a family, we enjoy sitting together at the dinner table several times a week, a luxury that most American families no longer value. It is an opportunity to express our ideas and discuss every topic under the sun. More importantly, it is an opportunity to express our concerns, problems or issues that may have been otherwise gnawing at us. With hectic schedules and challenging economic times, most parents cannot afford allocating  substantial quality time to enjoy with their children, so it is absolutely essential to find a means to pass on customs and traditions that establish family values and link together generations of past and future.

These moments in time intensify when generations of young and old share in customs and traditions, especially during the holidays. There are so many fond memories of family gatherings around the holidays, where I recall reliving my childhood, while witnessing my children interact with their grandparents. Grandparents come alive as they too relive their youth through customs and traditions, which bring back a myriad of warm feelings they too experienced in years past. And so it goes, from parent to child, from grandparent to grandchild, from generation to generation.

Every weekend, I make it a point to study the Bible with my children and perform the customs and traditions that uniquely identifies us as individuals and as a family. We read and learn the meaning of these valuable passages that were bestowed upon us as a wonderful gift from above. We share stories, anecdotes and life’s experiences and expand on the morals and ethics that are being expressed through these passages preserved throughout time. We learn about the upcoming holidays, historical dates that commemorate major events, our culture and traditions as a people and the importance of putting words into practice. There is an incredible wealth of knowledge, mutual respect and a sense of fulfillment that comes as a result of this time we spend together. What is of greater value, is hearing your children make good judgment calls in tough moments in life and then crediting lessons from the Bible, which they had once learned with you as their source of inspiration. 

I have personally witnessed my children thrive academically and socially. It is my strongest belief that all families can benefit and flourish if they can discover early on that family values is built upon a combination of many intricate facets of life, both spiritually and academically.

The children were intolerant to any conflict and confrontations were easily sparked by a single word or sarcastic facial gesture. They were short tempered, very competitive by nature and both had very little patience for one another. They did not posses the skills they needed to control this rage that could easily enflame a situation into an all out battle of global proportions. 

Actually, it almost never failed, it could start off with a tease, a statements or insult… 

• “Hey, that’s mine… Give it back… Don’t touch my things!”
• “Why did you say that about me? Stop it!”
• “That’s a lie! Your a liar!”
• “I hate you, get out of my room!” 

And of course, we won’t even get into the occasional profanities delivered by uncontrollable tantrums, or those silent expressions of love they call the one finger salute. At times, I could swear that they were testing my wits as they attempted pushing me over the edge to the point of no return. 

Collateral damage, as a result of the children’s inability to cope with various situations, could have dramatically worsened with age if the problems were not addressed immediately and appropriately. I have found that an exercise in communications (family round-table discussions), before or immediately after an argument erupts, helps dramatically. These discussions would typically start off with a brief lecture identifying the problem(s) and some pointers on how they could be addressed. Eventually the discussion is handed off to the children to conduct and I would mediate from time to time. Conversations, would at times extend beyond an hour. On one occasion we sat discussing the problem for more that two hours and walked around the block a few times as well. We would all exhaust ourselves discussing every aspect of a potential problem, defining each one’s role in solving potential issues that may arise. 

For example: The boys would almost always be at each others throats when it came to playing video games. Resolving this problem required two things; 

1.setting a time limit that they were allowed to play and
2.that they both discuss how they intended on playing the game, while respecting each others space. 

At first, this was not an easy task, but within time, this reduced friction between the two and most importantly, it helped preserve my sanity. 

Over the years, communicating had reduced the number of explosive arguments to virtually none. Things may not be one hundred percent perfect, but they sure are closer to bliss.